


At Your Side

by iamdonnapaulsen



Category: Suits (US TV), Suits - Fandom
Genre: F/M, Family, Other, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-02
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:54:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25036561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamdonnapaulsen/pseuds/iamdonnapaulsen
Summary: Harvey and Donna deal with consequences of the premature delivery of their daughter.
Relationships: Donna Paulsen/Harvey Specter, Donna Paulsen/Other(s), Harvey Specter/Other(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	1. Chapter 1

Harvey doesn't know how long he's been there, holding baby Cordelia.

At first, he was tense, afraid to do as much as breathing near his newborn daughter; but as time passed, he relaxed and he felt how miraculously that worked because the baby also relaxed her little body against his. He smiled looking down at his child; for the position he was holding her, he could not see much, but she'd definitely have Donna's nose. As for the lighted-shade of hair that covered her head, he could assume she'd be either blonde or redhead. Harvey silently prayed for a redhead.

He was so lost in his thoughts he didn't see the nurse as she approached. She gently touched his arm and told him it was time to put baby Cordelia back to the nursery. They talked about when he could go and visit the baby, and when he could take her home. For that, she didn't have an answer; it'd depend on her progress. The nurse took the baby from his arms and Harvey felt another part of him crack. He had lost his wife, and now he had to leave his baby behind.

* * *

Harvey went back to the room where Donna had been. She wasn't there anymore, even the sheets had been taken, and the only sign of her ever being there were her things separated in a corner of the room, alongside with the baby bag they had brought to the hospital. He was there, looking to the now-empty hospital bed where his wife had been not that long ago – hours perhaps? It definitely felt like minutes. He knew he had to deal with all the bureaucracy and get things ready for the funeral, but he definitely couldn't do it. Should he wait for baby Cordelia to leave the hospital? He didn't seem to be able to do the funeral with her and didn't seem able to do it without her. Donna had been his compass for as long as he could remember and he was completely lost without her.

He heard a knock on the door: Mike and Rachel. They went to the hospital as soon as they'd heard the news, and they had let Louis and the rest of the firm know, so they're on their way to Seattle as soon as possible.

He saw on Mike's and Rachel's face the same kind of pain he was feeling, so there was no need for words since there were no words in the world that'd comfort him. Because of that, they just hug.

* * *

The funeral took place while baby Cordelia was still at UCI. She was doing a lot better and should be able to go back home with Harvey in a few more days, and that was the only relief he had found.

Donna's parents were at the funeral, but none of them felt like giving their daughter a eulogy; they just didn't have enough strength to do so. Louis talked, and Mike talked, and of course, Rachel talked. They were all very emotional speeches, every one of them bringing a little bit of the amazing person Donna was, and what a shame it was for her to die so young and how they all missed her.

When Rachel, sobbing, finished her eulogy, Mike touched Harvey's arms, asking if he'd like to say a few words. Harvey didn't have a speech ready. He had tried to write his wife the eulogy she deserved, but all words seemed meaningless and empty. As much as he tried to put into words everything she meant to him, never was enough. He could only hope she'd felt how much he loved her in the nights they spent together, making love and talking nonstop and feeling her belly moving because Cordelia was kicking and spreading. With that image in his head, he stood up and positioned himself beside the coffin.

_"You once told me you'd never had enough time with me, and the truth is I am the one who hasn't had enough time with you. I told you once that without you I am empty. But you gave me a little present that needs all the strength I have left and more, so I can raise her with all the love you'd have. Cordelia will always know how amazing her mother was." Harvey pauses, taking a deep breathing. He's trying hard not to cry because if he starts crying he'll never finish his speech. Another deep breath and he's as good to go as he'll ever be. "I love you, Donna. You are my everything, and you gave me everything. I promise you I'll do right by our girl."_

* * *

Five years had passed since Donna had died. It was a mixed-feelings day for Harvey because it was also his daughter's birthday. He had left Cordelia with Mike and Rachel and their kid and went to the cemetery to visit his wife's grave. Alongside him, were a bouquet of flowers and a bottle of Macallan. He put the flowers over Donna's grave and poured two doses of the whiskey, drinking one and leaving one in the cold stone.

Then, as he had done too many times to count in the last five years, he sat down and started to tell her how well Cordelia's doing. As he had hoped, she had inherited Donna's red hair and her nose – and her strong personality and tendency to drama. She was learning to ride a bike, she loved to help him cook – yes, he had learned to cook several things and Cordelia was particularly fond of bear-shaped pancakes. She was as kind and amorous as Donna had been and would have wanted their daughter to be.

Cordelia said she'd study theatre and be an actress and make her mom proud of her. And she wanted a puppy she'd swear to God she'd take care and Harvey was sure he'd be the one doing all the care, but he was considering giving it to her anyway. Yes, he spoiled her too much and Donna would go crazy with him because of that. He just wished they could have been having this argument right now in real life, instead of in his head.


	2. Chapter 2

It’s the day of what would’ve been Harvey and Donna’s 8th wedding anniversary. He took Cordelia to a play date with Rachel and Mike’s kids in that afternoon and went straight to the cemetery. As usual, he had brought flowers and a bottle of Macallan, from which he poured two doses – one for him, one for her. After drinking his, he once again sat on the grass to tell Donna how much he missed her – he could never say it enough – and how much she was missing on Cordelia’s growing up.

Their daughter was strong-headed, but also amorous. Yes, he has adopted the dog she wanted – and, surprisingly, she actually helped quite a bit. Most of the work was done by him, though. She was still focused on theatre and starting to do some school plays – he thought Cordelia was as talented as her mom had been, but of course, he was biased. She kept saying she’d make Donna proud, and Harvey kept saying to her that her mom was proud of her because she was kind and happy, and it was all that mattered. And that he was also proud of her, for the same reasons.

“You know, just yesterday I found some videos of that trip we made to Leavenworth”, he starts. They took the road trip with Mike and Rachel when Donna was seven-month pregnant. They wanted to get a little bit out of Seattle but wanted to still be close by. Plus, Donna couldn’t stay in a car for long periods anymore, so the 2 and half hour drive to the picturesque small town where they could dine, appreciate the landscape, and even pay a visit to the theatre, seemed perfect.

“I’ve watched them with Cordelia yesterday, they were on my cloud. Rachel filmed so many hours… It’s like somehow she knew”, he continued. A couple weeks after the trip, Donna entered into premature labor. “Anyways, there’s this video of the two of us in the lake, you were just sitting there, and Cordelia started to kick and kind of… pile up on the left side of your belly, so it became all… crooked”.

Harvey chuckles, the memories of that day mixed up with the images he had seen. “Do you remember we were arguing about our daughter’s name that weekend? You had just set foot you wanted her to be named Cordelia. I swear to God, it seemed like you’d chosen the name to drive me insane”, he laughed, but tears came to his eyes, and he shook his head.

“She has asked me why she has such a unique name. She doesn’t know any other Cordelias. Well, I don’t know if she’ll ever meet another.” Harvey stood up, picked up the things, getting ready to leave. “You _know_ you’d have it your way anyhow, don’t you? You didn’t need to pull this on me. I couldn’t name her any other way.”

* * *

Cordelia is at age 11 now. She's sitting at the kitchen table, pretending to cry. Harvey observes her as he takes a sip of his coffee, and flips the pancake. Although he's slightly irritated, he can't help but smile. She's looking more and more like Donna every single day, physically and in her temperament as well.

"Okay, that's enough", he hears himself speaking. "You can stop pretending now, and the answer is still no."

Cordelia raises her head and looks at him, a smile on her lips as well. "How did you know?"

"Oh please", Harvey dismisses her with a wave of his hand. "How many times did I see your mom pull that one, and not only with me". She's as good as Donna was, Harvey thinks. It took him a while to realize when Donna was acting. But most people couldn't tell, and he thought it'd be the same for Cordelia. She really could act, it was a gift.

Cordelia straights up in her chair, her eyes sparkling. "Yeah? Tell me more about mom, please daddy. Why wasn't she an actress?"

Harvey puts Cordelia's pancakes on a plate, and then in front of her, reaching a fork for his child. He sits across her, and takes another sip of his coffee, pondering.

"She was meant to be, you know. When I met her, she said she wanted to work for me for a while, and then go back to the theatre."

Harvey smiles, remembering the day they’d first met. He had fallen for her right there. If he wasn't so stubborn and stupid, they could've had more time together. He sighs.

"Then a lot of things happened. She was good at her work, and she enjoyed it, I think. She was an amazing COO. But she never really left the theatre, even when she was working at the firm in New York, she'd still do a few plays. You know, one time she convinced Louis to do a play with her."

"Really?" Cordelia smiles.

"I think we have the photos somewhere", he says. Cordelia jumps out of the chair, "Let's go look for them!"

"Not right now, kiddo. Finish your breakfast. I have to take you to school, and at night we can look for them, okay?"

Cordelia sits back slightly disappointed and takes a bit of her breakfast. Harvey then remembers, "Hey, isn't today the day you have an audition for your school play?"

"Yes, I'm going for Dorothy." Cordelia stays quite serious for a moment, playing with the bite of pancake in her fork. "Dad… and if I'm not good enough?"

Harvey looks at her and feels his heart sank. He knows she's talented, but he also knows it's a hard path. Maybe he shouldn't have had Cordelia used to get everything she wanted. But she's still kind and sweet, and he has no regrets about it, in the end.

Donna would be the one with more experience to deal with this situation. She'd know what to say. He's almost sorry for a second Cordelia got stuck with him instead of her, but shakes his head, dismissing the thought. Now it's not the time for self-commiseration.

“Cordelia, look”, he says and waits until she looks at him before continuing to speak. “I told you before, and I’ll tell you as many times as you need to hear, what is important to me is that you are healthy and happy. I know you’re talented – as talented as your mom was, or even more.”

She opens her mouth to cut him off, but Harvey raises his hand, asking Cordelia to wait.

“I know you’ll say I’m biased, and that’s… very much true. But you’re still a kid – I’m sorry, preteen – and you still have lots of years to worry about what’s to come. Right now, I want you to have fun with this play, alright? It doesn’t matter if you’re Dorothy or one of the back singers – whatever they’re called – or if you’re in charge of make-up or wardrobe. Promise me that nevertheless, you’re going to enjoy the most of it. As your mom would, because what mattered to her the most was being part of the theatre. That’s what she loved.”

Cordelia smiles, her eyes teary. She’s always loved the theatre, in part because that’s where she felt somehow closer to the mother she’s never had a chance to meet. However, she also likes dressing up and pretending to be someone else and even helping with costumes or whatever else was needed. She could be in the backstage for the whole day and never get tired of it.

She jumps out of her chair and goes to hug Harvey. “Thank you, Daddy, for remembering me of that.” She looks at his eyes for one moment and then gets serious. “You know that I don’t need anyone else, don’t you? You’re all I need. You’re the greatest dad.”

“How do you…” Harvey starts to ask because he was wondering – not for the first time – if it’d be better to Cordelia if she had another parent-like figure in her life. “I had forgotten you do this knowing-what-we-are-thinking thing, as she did.”

Cordelia grins. “The fact that _I_ don’t need anyone else doesn’t mean you don’t, Daddy. You know that if…”

“I know, honey”, Harvey cuts her off. “But there isn’t anyone in my life.”

She nods in agreement, knowing it’s best to let the subject go. Donna was the love of Harvey’s life and, despite the fact Cordelia knows he gets lonely sometimes, he doesn’t seem to get interested in anyone. He lives for her and the firm, and, as much as she worries about him – and she knows Rachel and Mike do to because of conversations she’s heard – there’s nothing she can do.


	3. Chapter 3

Harvey parks the car near the entrance of Cordelia’s school, and the 12-year-old enters the car smiling, unable to hide her happiness.

“Daddy, Daddy, I got it! I’m playing Anne!” – she slams the door in her excitement, and Harvey rises an eyebrow to her. “Oops, I’m sorry.”

He laughs at her enthusiasm and dismisses what happens with a wave of his hand.

“Congratulations, honey! I’m so proud of you. Tell me everything, how was the audition?”

Cordelia starts to narrate everything that had happened since she entered the audition room. She was extremely communicative, especially considering she was a teenager; in part, it was because Harvey had managed to establish a dialogue with his only daughter since she’d learned how to speak.

The year before, Cordelia had auditioned for the role of Dorothy in _The Wizard of Oz_ at the school play; however, she had been selected to play the Cowardly Lion. Harvey expected her to be sad when she told him the news and, even though she was a bit frustrated, the conversation they had had that day before school had paid off, for she’d told him she was just happy to be on the play, in whatever capacity she’d been chosen for.

This year, the 7th grade was producing _Anne of Green Gables_ , which was one of Cordelia’s favorite books of all time. She was really excited about the project, and she'd asked Harvey to help her to prepare for the audition all the nights of the past two weeks. He’s never been one for the theatre, but he’d eventually see Donna presentations, and he‘d never missed any of Cordelia’s.

“Dad,” Cordelia says as she finishes the story about the audition, “I have something to tell you.”

Harvey takes his eyes off the road for a second to look at his daughter’s face. Her cheeks are slightly red, and she’s looking down. “Okay,” he replies calmly. “What happened?”

She picks up her backpack and starts to look for something in it. After a moment, she takes out the photo of Donna dressed as Portia that Harvey had shown her the previous year.

“I took Mom’s photo out of your things,” she almost whispers. “I’m sorry, it’s just… it’s the only picture of her dressed for a character in the theatre we have, and I thought it’d give me luck, I guess.”

“It’s okay, Cordelia, but why didn’t you just ask me for the photo?”

“Because it sounded silly,” she replies. “I mean, it’s just an image, you know. But, somehow, it made me feel closer to her. Like she was in the room with me”, Harvey looks at her again, and she shrugs. “I said it sounds silly.”

Harvey doesn´t respond immediately. He drives for another block until he finds a parking space; then, he turns off the car and swings to his daughter.

“It doesn’t sound silly at all. Don’t we have pictures of her around the entire house?” he asks and, as Cordelia nods, he continues. “It helps me to feel like she’s close, too,” he confesses.

Cordelia’s eyes are scintillating with the tears, and she concurs with her head, still looking down at her knees.

“I won’t say you got the part because the photo has brought you lucky, given that you’re incredibly talented,” Harvey says slowly, still looking at Cordelia. “But maybe it was a contributing factor? That said, why don’t we put this pic in a nice frame, and you can have it in your dressing room?”

“Really?” Cordelia asks thrilled. “Thanks, Dad, you’re really the best.”

Harvey smirks and turns on the car again. “I know.”

* * *

It's her 13th birthday. Cordelia pays for the cab, say thanks to the driver, and jumps out. She looks at the big gates of the cemetery and feels goosebumps. It's not the first time she's been there, of course, but it's the first time she's alone. She'd often accompany Harvey to see Donna's grave, but never on her birthday. She knows her father goes there on that day because her birthday is also her mom's death anniversary. But he feels like he's somehow protecting his daughter to remember that when he doesn't allow her to tag along. Like she could ever forget.

With a deep breath, she enters the gates and, with decided steps, moves towards Donna's grave. Cordelia then realizes she’s always leaned on Harvey to know where they are going and hasn't paid much attention to the path, which causes her to take quite a while to find her way. "It's okay," she says to herself. "Next time, it'll be better."

When she arrives at the grave, she sees Rachel leaving and hides behind a stone. She doesn't want anyone to find she's there just yet. She'll tell her father when she's home, but not now.

Once Rachel is far away, Cordelia approaches Donna's tomb. It has two big sets of flowers – one her dad has brought for sure, and the one Rachel's just left. She sits in the grass in front of the grave and looks at the inscription in the stone. 'Donna Paulsen-Specter, beloved mother and wife'. She knew Harvey'd have preferred it to say much more, but he was a mess to make that kind of decisions back then, and, "in any case, there are not words enough in the world to describe the marvelous person she was", as he had said to her once.

"So…. Hey mom. It's me, Cordelia", she says out loud, biting her inferior lip. 'Duh', she thinks. Of course, her mom would know who she was. Cordelia wasn't sure how to start. She had never really had a conversation with Donna in there. When she'd visit with Harvey, she'd say just "I miss you, mommy" and put down the flowers and go a little further behind to watch Harvey actually talks to the grave as if Donna was there.

Harvey wouldn't take long, knowing Cordelia was waiting for him, but she knew he'd come alone at another opportunity to talk and discuss and whatever else his mind could provide to him. But of course, he knew Donna, so it was easy for him to figure out what her response would have been. All Cordelia has are a few videos (so she knows what Donna’s voice sounds like); and the memories Harvey, Mike, and Rachel would share with her.

"I don't know if you know what I'm doing here? You're supposed to be in a better place and be watching over dad and me, so, if that's the case, I suppose you do? Anyway, it's my 13th birthday today. We're having a party at home – you know, just dad and Uncle Mike and Auntie Rachel and some of my school friends. It's going to be a sleepover party since it's Friday, so I'm kinda excited."

She smiles shyly, her years filling with water as she becomes closer to the reason she's there. "You know, Dad talks about you a lot. He really misses you. He's always telling me how you'd feel about this and that, and today is a really complicated day for him. I know he wants to be happy for me, but he's just so sad as well. He thinks he's getting better at hiding it, but it's there. I can still see it."

She wipes out a tear that's rolling down her face. It's harder than she thought it would be. More tears begin to fall, and she gives up the attempt to wipe them out. She sobs once, takes deep breathes to try and control her emotions. It's not working very well.

"I'm so, so sorry, Mommy. I never meant for all of this to happen. It's not fair that you're gone because I was born. It's not fair to you, nor Dad… and neither to me. But you know, you gave me the most amazing of fathers. He really is the best." She kisses her hand and puts it in the cold stone as if to give Donna a kiss. "I just miss you so much. I wish you were here."

**Author's Note:**

> I'd like to say thanks to my friends and beta readers, Amanda, Jessica and Luiza, for all the support, the help and for pushing me to publish this. You girls are the best.


End file.
